Inappropriate Funeral Behaviour...

So The Perfect Gent had left my life and I was the one who had to pick up the pieces of my broken little heart and carry on.  Again.  I was a bit miserable and back to my "oh crap" state of mind for a couple of weeks (especially since I kept seeing updates and things on Facebook that I really didn't want to see) but I did it.  I carried on.  Though he was always in the back of my mind, the "I wonder what he is doing?" the "I wonder if he ever thinks about me?" the "I wonder if he wishes I was there?" etc etc.

Unfortunately a few days later I received the saddest news to date of 2012.  My ex father in law had passed away.  I remember when I found out from the foster brother of Him that I was in a state of shock.  I went immediately to my mum to tell her about what had happened.  He was an old man, almost eighty, but when someone dies it is still not nice, no matter how old, how ill or if you know it's coming.  It's a shock.

The next day I went to pay my respects to the family.  To Him, his mother and brother.  I took a card.  I walked in the room and it was total devestation.  I could feel the loss and the empty hearts.  I kissed and cuddled his mum and brother and then decided that I had to approach him.  Standing at the other end of the living room I walked slowly because it was a weird enough situation as it was.  I stopped in front of him and smiled up at him in a way that would let him know that the past was the past.  I reached out when I said "do you want a hug?"  He looked at me, almost grateful that he could reconnect with me, like he had been waiting for someone to hug him.  His hug was full, but he was empty.  It was horrendous.

A few days later he called me.  Something that normally I would ignore.  I answered the phone and he just wanted to talk about his dad.  He also had rang to let me know the details of the funeral and to let me know that his mother had said I would be more than welcome and it would be nice if I could go, but that she understood if I decided not to attend.  I decided to text Mr. T to see if I could tag along with him and his friends because it was going to be awkward.  Everyone there knew who I was and what had happened and I didn't want the day to be about our awkwardness.  He replied saying that it would be ok and he would be in contact to let me know what they were doing.

Closer to the day I arranged to meet His friends for a reason I can't remember.  Anyway... I faced a very vain dilemma next.  What was I to wear?  It was a funeral so I had to be considerate of this fact, but I also did want to look good.  I wasn't having Him see me looking anything other than amazing.  The other little niggle was that Mr T was going to be there, an opportunity to see what he had missed out on!  Extremely inappropriate but trust me, it gets worse.

I get to the crematorium a little early (I drove the mini because I planned to go for the service and leave straight away) and it looked like there were a lot of people going in and I thought I should get out of the car because I didn't want to a) look awkward and b) miss someone I knew and could sit with.  Walking to the door (in a very appropriate black dress - that was a little short but a-line so respectable) I start crying.  I was genuinely upset at this occasion.  I realise that I didn't really know the people that were there well enough to go in with them, so I decided to have a cigarette and wait.  Another reason to be glad to be a smoker.  On cigarette number two (I know chain smoking is bad, but it really was useful that day, it gave me a purpose for standing so awkwardly) I see Mr T get out of his car with his friends and walk towards me.  The first proper and sober time we had seen each other since the night of the kiss.  He walks up to me and kisses me on the cheek with a little smile and asks if I am ok.  I wait for His friends and finally they arrive.  We go in and sit down.  I am sitting in front of Mr. T.  I cried for the entire time.  Seeing His brothers pregnant girlfriend crying actually broke my heart a little more.  Once the service was over we head outside we everyone comes together to talk about the service, to cry, and to pay some more respects to the family.  I get swept up in the invite to attend the wake and I feel almost obliged to because there were a lot of people who wanted to see me and talk to me.  I went.

We arrive at the town hall, and I am extremely pleased that I decided to go.  It was now a celebration of the lost life.  Lovely to hear stories about him and lovely to see people who I had once called family.  One auntie told me that she thought I was much nicer and prettier than the new girlfriend.  She announced it so loudly that most of the room heard!  Missi - 1!

I nip out for a cigarette and low and behold I get followed out of the main hall, down the stairs and to a little corner that I had found that I thought nobody would find me in.  I was wrong.  It was Mr. T.  Cue awkward moment.  The chatting comes freely and suddenly he bring up the fact that he thinks I am really pretty etc.  I blush and say something along the lines of "well you took your time".  We somehow end up swapping phone numbers and I leave and re-enter the hall.  I look at my phone 10 minutes or so later and see he has already text me.  It said "Do you know how much I want you?  I know it's wrong but can't it be our secret?"  I hate seedy secrets, but I am 25 for goodness sakes, this could be the fun I am after and there is no denying I am intrigued by this man!

I end up being swept up into the drunkness of those around me, friends and old family members (don't worry I was sober, still driving!) and I get invited along to go to the pub to raise another glass to such a dear man.  I get another text whilst in the pub saying "cigarette?"  This man is keen.  I go out for a cigarette.  This happens a couple of times in the next hour apart from the last time we end up in yet another corner and he is kissing me.  Sheer passionate kissing.  I wanted this man and he wanted me!  I couldn't.  It was a funeral.  It was His dad's funeral.  The guilt.  Walking back into the pub together I notice a lot of pointing, looking and questioning starting to come our way.  Were we rumbled?!  It is followed by His brother announcing the time that we had kissed!  He thought it was hilarious!  Thank goodness!  I went bright red, but was relieved that He was out of the room at the time of announcement,  I would have been ashamed.  However word did get arounf to him as the evening went on.  I decided to leave, and after kissing Mr T. goodbye he answers a phone call.  I must state that he was extremely drunk and no matter what I was not doing anything other than kissing him that night.  He would have to make a sober decision if anything was going to happen....

Until Next Time... xx